Author: andreamaylavinia

I’ve always been a little nomadic (I think I’ve counted nearly 20 different addresses so far), but I’ve never strayed too far away from my close-knit little bunch of mates. However, as life has gotten more complicated (marriages, divorces, kids, high-pressure-long-hours jobs) it has felt harder and harder to stay in touch with my old friends in the same way. Throw in a move that took me an hour (yes, I know that’s not far in the grand scheme of things) away from my best girls, during covid, and I started to feel really isolated.

I no longer had friends on my doorstep who could pop in for a cuppa and a chat or an impromptu glass of wine in the evening. To make matters worse, we were in the middle of our squillionth lock-down. I spent far too much time on my own in the evening with a glass (bottle) of wine and my dog, Bella, for company.

As soon as the lockdowns finally ended, I knew I had to put myself out there are go and find some female company asap. My youngest daughter Harriet was now in Year 5, so Mum friends from school were tricky, as even though I tried hard to ingratiate myself to the Mum’s friend group, these women already had their set of school mum friends and were not on the look out for anymore.

I was at a loss as to where to start, when I read an article about Bumble BFF. I’m no stranger to online dating. After my divorce 7 years ago, I jumped headfirst into the dating apps and went on my fair share of horrific first dates (that’s another blog post in itself!), before meeting my now boyfriend, Ben. But how would it work for friends? Would I end up choosing my friend circle based entirely on their attractiveness?!

After downloading the Bumble BFF app, the first thing you do is set up your profile. If you can think of something more awkward than writing yourself a bio on a dating app, I’d love to hear it. “Hi, I’m Andrea, I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain… no seriously, although I do like pina coladas I’m more into wine, cheese, reading and taking long walks with my dog”.

After several rewrites of said bio, I decided to stop overthinking it; added some pics to my profile that I’d probably used on Tinder and hit publish. (Side note, you also had to answer some question prompts like “Yoga or Hiking”, “Night owl or Early bird” – I did warn you it was cringe).

I was then able to begin my swiping. Much like dating apps, you are presented with their profile pic, location, and age.

I quickly realised that I needed to be more selective with my swiping as there were hundreds of potential friend matches and quite frankly, I didn’t have the energy to message and attempt to build up a rapport with everyone!

I started swiping on people close in location to me, with similar interests. I passed on anyone who didn’t drink (don’t judge me – I find any first date less awkward over a glass of wine!) I looked for other women who liked live music, long walks and red wine and cheese. I could afford to be ridiculously specific, there were that many women on there. I realised that feeling lonely was clearly not rare – thousands of other women in my area were in the same boat.

My first “date” was a nerve-racking experience. I’d been chatting to a girl for a week or so, but much like dating, I was keen to meet IRL to see if we had any kind of connection. I was horribly anxious about going and nearly cancelled all day. We met at a local wine bar and shared a bottle alongside a huge cheeseboard (which I consumed most of). Conversation flowed, she was easy to talk to and never left space for an awkward silence which I appreciated. At the end of the night, we agreed to meet up again soon but were both realistic about busy lives and schedules. We caught up again about 3 weeks later at a comedy club and it was much less awkward, we laughed a lot (it was a comedy club after all) drank crap wine and had a really fun evening. I’ve seen her a few times since and really enjoy her company. She’s different to other people I hang out with, and I love that.

Much like Tinder I also went on ‘dates’ that didn’t last long or go that well. There was the really lovely girl who wanted to give me a complete makeover (thanks but I’m fine) and the girl who was so shy she couldn’t say more than two words together (I really felt for this girl, but she also told me she really didn’t want to be there).

Interested to see how else I could explore new friendships; I joined several local Facebook groups who regularly hosted local events where you could go along and hang out with a group of women. This is much less intense as there is a whole group of you. My favourite event so far has got to be the Drag Queen bingo we went to. I laughed so much all night; the drag queen was absolutely savage, and we were all terrified of getting ‘bingo’ as she tore apart everyone who was called up. Of course, I got bingo and was so nervous when I went up to collect my prize (a bottle of prosecco) that I told them that I was worried I’d ticked off the wrong numbers after a glass of wine. She promptly decided I must be hammered and made the bingo call “Andrea’s sh*t faced” Cue the whole venue shouting that line repeatedly for the rest of the night. That cringeworthy experience to one side, I met a really lovely girl that night who I’ve stayed in touch with, and I really get on with. Again, she’s different to other people I hang out with, and I really value that.

Like anything worth having, creating friendships takes time and effort. Its in spending time together that memories are created, and bonds are formed. But know that if you are feeling lonely, you aren’t the only one and I can bet there are lots of other women in your area feeling the same isolation who would love to meet up with you for a drink, a walk or drag queen bingo. It’s time to put your big girl pants on and put yourself out there. Failing that – message me, I’ll come hang out with you.

Love

Andrea xx

Mindfulness is something we all do whenever we bring our awareness to what we are feeling or experiencing. It is the process of becoming aware of your thoughts without being overwhelmed by them.

Mindful meditation can be traced back thousands of years to ancient Eastern and Buddhist philosophy. Whilst it is a practice linked to Hinduism, Buddhism, and yoga in recent years it has become widely practiced as a non-religious meditation.  

In a study conducted by Professor Mark Williams of Oxford University, scientists proved that it really does make you happier and calmer. Professor Mark Williams, former director of the Oxford Mindfulness Centre says, ‘mindfulness means knowing directly what is going on inside and outside ourselves, moment by moment’. The clinical study showed that in people who have the most recurrent forms of depression, it halved the risk of relapse over a 12-month period. But it isn’t just beneficial those suffering from depression, other studies have found that it enhances wellbeing as well.

How can you start to practice mindfulness?

Much like training your body at the gym, mindfulness is tool that needs to be practiced regularly and can be mastered over time. It is important to dedicate time to learning how to be mindful and what techniques work for you. You may like to find a class and attend an 8-week course helping you learn how to be mindful. Others may prefer to read a recommended book such as this one or follow an online course on YouTube.

How can mindful meditation benefit you?

Mindful meditation may carry many health and lifestyle benefits for you. Studies suggest that focusing on the present can have a positive impact on health and well-being. Mindfulness-based treatments have been shown to reduce anxiety and depression whilst increasing concentration levels and easing stress levels.

There’s also evidence that mindfulness can lower blood pressure and improve sleep. It may even help people cope with pain.

You can read further about mindfulness on the NHS website here.

Cognitive load is a term that refers to the amount of mental effort and energy used to process and store information. It’s the capacity of your brain to handle a certain amount of information at one time. As we all know, our brains can only take so much before we start to feel overwhelmed. Taking control of your cognitive load is essential for productivity and overall mental health.

Cognitive load is important to understand because it affects our ability to learn, recall information, and make decisions. When our cognitive load is too high, it can lead to feelings of stress, fatigue, and difficulty concentrating. On the other hand, when our cognitive load is too low, it can lead to boredom and a lack of motivation.

So how can we manage our cognitive load on a daily basis? The first step is to become aware of how much information we’re taking in. It’s important to limit the amount of new information we’re trying to process at any given time. The second step is to prioritise and focus on the most important tasks. This will help us to stay on track and avoid becoming overwhelmed. Third, we can take frequent breaks. Taking breaks gives our brain a chance to rest and recharge, which can help us to stay focused and productive. Also, we can practice mindfulness. Mindfulness helps us to stay in the present moment and be aware of our thoughts and feelings. This can help us to manage our cognitive load and make better decisions.

I try and take control of my cognitive load by making comprehensive lists and delegating tasks.

Begin by jotting down in a notebook or on a piece of paper, every single task that is currently taking up space in your head. As you compile the list you will probably begin to think up more and more. Make sure to include EVERY single task. Today my list might start a bit like this: Put white washing in machine, Hang white wash on line, empty dishwasher, load dishwasher, Clean breakfast things away, fold washing, put washing on children’s beds, make the children’s beds as they have forgotten, make a note to remember Harriet’s flute for tomorrow’s lesson, pick Sophie up from afterschool club, prep and make dinner, answer work emails, call my mum to catch up, return a friend’s text, take the rubbish out, walk the dog, drink water, remember to eat lunch etc.

Starting to make sense? The quick list I’ve compiled above is only the immediate tasks I need to complete. It’s also important to add tasks that are taking up space in your brain but don’t need to be completed immediately. For example, book dentist appointment, post Dad’s birthday card next week, research summer holiday destinations, book car MOT, clean washing machine filter.

Once you have written all these tasks down it is time to take control of them and start breaking them down into manageable chunks. I like to use highlighters to categorise my tasks and I start with my favourite category; tasks I can delegate. Which tasks on your list can you hand over to someone else? I know it’s annoying to have to point out tasks to your significant other as it can feel like they should know they need doing too, but that is a whole other blog post!! Are there work tasks you can delegate to a colleague? Which tasks can your children take control of?

The next set of tasks I highlight are tasks I need to complete today. Which tasks are time sensitive? My advice here is to try not to include too many tasks on this list. Be realistic. Is it life or death if you don’t clean the oven today?

Then highlight tasks you need to finish by the end of the week (this exercise is great done on a Sunday night when you’re planning your week). These tasks can be tagged on to any day where you have a moment spare.

Finally highlight tasks that are long term and don’t really have an immediate need for completion. For me this is tasks that have a month or so grace such as holiday planning or certain deep cleaning tasks.

Now take a deep breath and breath out… feel better? It’ so much easier to see a way through the overwhelm with a clear plan.

Final word from me: Don’t forget to take regular breaks during the day and plan in time to eat/shower/get some fresh air. You’ve got this!